Hardly

It doesn't get easier. My heart will always be filled with wonder.

I don't feel liberty to talk about it like I used to. And that's okay. But I have been suffocating with exhaustion. And suddenly I am so thankful for this blog.

A place of release.

I miss her like crazy. This week has just been hard for some reason. I am not a blubbering mess, more like a shaken bottle ready to burst. The reminders keep building, the what-ifs always a thought away.

I feel incomplete.

I have accepted that she isn't in this world. I don't look for her anymore. She isn't here. If you've never lost a child you probably think I'm crazy but I used to look for her. It seemed insane that the child I carried for 29 weeks just wasn't a part of my life anymore.

Something new happened this week. I suddenly don't miss the NICU. I am suddenly very happy to have that part of our life behind us. I would give anything to be with her, even if it meant the NICU, but I guess I have accepted that as part of our past too. Forever in the past.

:::

Not too long ago I saw a little girl about 18 months old. She was so excited to see our little boy. She had a doll hanging from her clumsy little hands and waddled over to Joseph just repeating "Baby! Baby!" Pointing to him, her parents sort of embarrassed. I loved it of course. She was the sweetest thing. I asked how old she was.

18 months.

I smiled and we laughed about how big our little guy was. Comical.

Then it hit me. I should have a little girl almost 18 months too. I should know what 18 month olds say. What 18 month olds do. What 18 month olds look like. Jenna would already be into dolls and dresses, excited about real babies. I walked away keenly unaware of the life that slipped right out of my hands a year and a half ago.

Sometimes forever seems like just yesterday. I miss my Jenna.

It hardly gets easier.

photo credit

The Walk

It was beyond beautiful and more than I ever expected. 

I was honored to share this day with my mother, beautiful friend Amy, and a few others who were able to be there.

We hung a beautiful ornament on a tree when they called Jenna's name. 

Isn't it beautiful? It is now dangling from our living room fan chain. Not sure if it'll stay there but I like looking at it.

My poor husband wanted to come even after having a wisdom tooth pulled a few hours prior. 

He is my hero.

 

Us getting ready for the balloon release...

So we totally write on her balloons at the cemetery. It was nice to be able to do this at the ceremony too when they started handing out sharpies. And we always like to draw our favorite cat on her balloons too. His name was Bootes (named after the constellation). He was a legend. 

I'll leave it at that. 

I don't have too many pictures of her, but this little girl standing next to me on the right is also another of my heroes... heroines actually. She is five years old and fighting Leukemia. She just passed her one year mark. Anyway, she never met our Jenna but I just love how she can talk with me about her. And her mother is pretty awesome too! (Love you Amy!)

 And well.. here is baby brother. I know this isn't his blog. And truth be told I'm a terrible blogger anyway. I haven't updated his blog in ages. Not sure which direction I will be going. I have way too many blogs. I hope you don't mind if I share a little of him here too from time to time.

It was just the cherry on top to be able to meet in person (for the first time might I add) a few beautiful bloggy friends. First... Mary from The Great Elephant Symposium. It was neat because I met her through Carly Marie's IBMD project. I would have otherwise never had the chance to meet another BLM in real life. It was beautiful. Sad but beautiful all the same.

And... Ashley from Missing Mackenzie :) 

It's neat meeting bloggy friends in person because it doesn't feel like your meeting for the first time. And I guess in a way you're not? :)

I look forward to attending the Walk next year :)

Fuchsia petals & bloggy award

This morning the cool October breeze could be felt. It feels like fall. At least in the mornings. It was marvelous. I only wish I had more time to blog, read blogs... but I didn't want to forget this so I wanted to share it here.

In Jenna's garden (mind you, there are weeds all over it) I spotted three fuchsia roses. :]

I don't think there's ever been a sweeter rose in her garden. She knew I needed this today. I pulled out her scrapbook to share at the Walk later today. Pictures still make me cry. Certain pictures.

Thank you Jenna for sending me this beautiful rose. It's perfect- just like you.

I also wanted to thank Wyatt's Mommy and Michelle for the Blog Award. I would like to pass this onto everyone that commented on my last post about Jenna's cloud heart :]

Rules are made to be broken, right?

;)

Tiffany
Jaime
butterflymom
Tina
Caroline
Jill
Dana
Heather
Michelle
Tami
Lisette
Jennifer
Wyatt's Mommy 
Debby
ButterflyChik
Heather

I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend.

XO

I Love You Too Jenna

She drew me a heart in the sky on our way back home this evening.

I needed that.

Miss you baby girl.

With Love Care Packages

Tonight began the start of something new. I am very hopeful and feeling rather optimistic about this project. It's a lot. It really is, but I have wonderful support and I cannot wait to start putting these care packages together.

We are calling the care package program With Love. It is named With Love because these packages are made with love from other babylost mothers. Every last thing inside them is given/made or donated by a babylost mother and/or supporter.

For starters, we are kicking off with the Pregnancy/ Infant Loss Memorial Flourishes. All proceeds made from these will go toward buying the boxes themselves and offsetting the cost of the care packages down the road. 

And let me just say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone that has already made such generous donations. Every last dollar helps.

In a few months With Love will hopefully be expanding it's efforts into local NICUs to help parents with babies in the NICU and also reaching out to the staff in the NICUs to show appreciation. For those of you who have had children in the NICU, I know that this place holds a special place in your heart. Even if it's just a card a couple times a year, or a fruit basket... I would love to get something going to just say thank you to Jenna's nurses and other special hearts like them.

Also, I thought I would add something from the last post about the care packages. First of all I decided to not replace the old memory box site, but just start a new blog altogether for this program. I realize there are a few who may just want to purchase a memory from their child's hope collage, so I will keep those available.

:::

Well a little about the flourishes... each flourish is fastened to a pink and teal satin ribbon (teal is just so much prettier than light blue in my opinion! ;) which has a broach pin on the back. You can also request multiple rosettes on one for multiple losses.

For more information on the flourishes, the care packages and anything else, please check out the With Love Care Packages site. I would also love and very much appreciate your feedback. 

Without you none of this is possible. Your support and love means the world to me. I would also like to send out a special thank you to all the babylost mothers taking part in these care packages for your generosity and support - Carly, Tina, Michelle, Rachel, and Kristin.

If you would like to help, please spread the word about With Love through a blog post, sharing our site through facebook, email, whatever's easiest for you. You can also grab our button too. Just click on "ways to help" and the button's on that page.

You can find us on our very own facebook page here. Here you'll get all the updates of what's going on.