I started writing Jenna's updates on CarePages a year ago today.
:*(
I remember accidentally stumbling upon CarePages after I opened a blogger account. I was originally going to use a blog to update everyone, but blogger seemed so complicated and I didn't have the time or energy to figure it all out. CarePages was wonderful... it helped keep everyone updated and helped us to avoid answering all the same questions fifty million times. And it was easy to use!
I look back now and wish I could go travel back in time, if even for a moment. I want that faith back, and that hope that everything WILL be alright. I never entertained her actually dying while she was in the NICU. EVER. I just didn't let myself go there. Not until I saw her suffering...
I look back now and *wonder* how I couldn't see it... how I could still hope against all hope? Blindly, naively hope... and I hated when the doctors would call her 'sick' because we didn't even know WHAT the problem was, or what 'syndrome' she actually had - if any. That drove me crazy. I didn't want to see her as sick. She was perfect to me.
Sometimes I see her little brother's eyes trail off behind me, as if he is gazing at something. Someone. And I wonder if it's her?
Tell her that I love her, I'll whisper in his ear.
I think sometimes he can pick up on my broken heart, so I try to hide it, force it away and pretend that I am okay. A big part of my heart is okay, but there is that part that was given to Jenna. That part is aching. And the aching just plain hurts. I miss my baby girl.
:::
I have been at home for a week now, away from everything to help my body heal. I wonder when I return to the normal swing of things what expectations the world has for me now? A couple of weeks after Jenna died I was expected to be 'moving on'... a couple of months passed and the world expected me to be okay around other babies and pregnancy. Six months afterwards, I was expected to be past the guilt, crying and anger of Jenna's death... a year and a rainbow baby later I fear the expectations are higher than I could ever reach.
I have learned to live with my daughter's death. But then there are days like yesterday and the paperwork for Joseph's first pedi appointment rehashed a painful reality.
"Have any siblings died?" Ummm.... actually yes. I wish I could be that person next to me filling the form out and answering "Of course not! That doesn't happen anymore, DOES IT!?"
But this is my reality and I am learning... not only to accept my daughter's death but embrace life afterwards. {keyword: learning}
20 comments:
i love you and will call you tomorrow.... can't wait to see you.
i am sending big hugs and love you to you. i am sorry for all of these unrealistic expectations for things to quickly and magically become better. you know better than that, and i hope others will see that having your rainbow will not erase all the hurting for jenna, that all the years in the world will never be enough time to "move on" and "get over it."
Navigating it beautifully sweetie. Oh how I hope that little Joseph can gaze at his big sis. Hugs, Nan xxx
You are doing a great job. Learning is a great word. I think regardless of what number baby you are on once you loose a baby the whole process is a learning process. You just keep moving forward at your own pace and don't worry what anyone else thinks or want you to be doing.
(((HUGS)))
So sorry for your loss. Dont ever let anyone tell you how quickly you should be moving on... who are they to know. Most of them dont know the pain we deal with everyday. Take it a day at a time and do what feels right for you!!! Sending hugs your way today!!
I hope he can see her, I hope their spirits are here with us.
You are doing great, I feel the weight of those expectations as well but we just have to try to brush them off - they are made by people who would regret their thoughts if they were ever in our shoes.
Wishing you and your family peace and lots of good memories of these times - I am sure you have heard this a million times but these early days go so quick.
Hugs.
BIG HUGS! You will learn in your own time and people can live with their own expectations---because of you, they should have none. xxx
I just burst into tears at "tell her I love her".....my heart is with you Franchesca, I know what the world is going to expect, but know that we dont expect a thing from you but to love your children BOTH of them just how you always have...You are an inspiration to all of us...and I can only imagine how tough last week was with the happy/saddest week of your life...but we are here, when ever you want, we will lift you up xxoo kiss Joseph for me :)
Franchesca, first let me say congrats. Joseph is beautiful. I strongly believe that babies can see things/people we can not. Sweet Jenna is right there over your shoulder looking after mommy, daddy and baby brother. I believe that with all my heart. Keep learning hun. My thoughts and prayers are with you. xoxo
I have to tell you that Cooper does the same thing with looking around and smiling sometimes...and, I've said the same thing! "just tell her that I love her..." Seriously, you saying that gave me goosebumps because I have done the exact same thing!
Oh Fran, my heart breaks for you. You are right, now matter how wonderful our life ever becomes, it will still have this one spot, this spot that will never go away. This painful, heartbreaking spot. We can't hide it, or push it away, it will always be our reality. I hate that. I hate it for me, and I hate it for you. I am so sorry.
My heart is heavy, I can't feel what you are going through but it must be overwhelming. To love and say goodbye to your precious baby seems impossible. Now with your son you are torn. I know you love him with all that is within you yet you had to let go of his precious sister. Life just doesn't seem fair. Why do you have to live this life when others don't. I pray for your comfort. ((HUGS))
I am trying very hard to get my mind around how you feel. Please know that I care.
xxxxxxx
a mother's heart can be so full and yet so broken at the same time..... the "world" doesn't get us, but we do have each other.... we understand.
I never once thought Elora would die in the NICU either- the thought never crossed my mind until the day she did.
I never thought my Madelyn would die either. It never mattered to me what the doctors said about her chances, I just assumed they had to tell me the worst-case scenarios to cover themselves, but that babies really didn't die, and that my baby would be fine. It's strange to go back and read my blog entries from before our loss, so I do understand what you mean.
(((hugs)))
((hugs)) I too never thought that a baby let alone mine would die! Its all a learning process, we are here for you if you ever need/want!
*hug* I don't think there is anything wrong with you hoping as you did. And I really wish people who have not been through a loss like ours would stop judging us. One week after losing Lilly we were expected to be ok. And with us knowing ahead of time that our time with Lilly was limited, people think we knew this was going to happen so why are we not "ok" in their minds. So I truly know how you feel and for that I am sorry as I don't want anyone to feel that.
love and prayers
elena
Crying, crying, crying....
Even when the doctor who was going to fly with Matthew to the NICU was telling me he was a very, very sick little boy, in my head, I was screaming, "GET OUT OF HERE! HE IS NOT! HE IS PERFECT AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!"
He WAS perfect. And healthy. And things like that just DIDN'T happen. They'd figure out whatever he needed and he'd be fine.
Or so I thought....
So, so much love friend!!!!
I hope that he sees her. I think it's good to have that hope for our babies no matter what. I think that they felt it in addition to our love.
Franchesca, you are such an inspiration and I also really think babies can see things we cannot. :) I'm sure Joseph sees his big sister all the time and is telling her she is very loved. It's hard to live with all these expectations of people thinking we should all be "better" after a certain point. Thinking of you so much. (((HUGS)))
Post a Comment