I was talking with my husband tonight about stuff. You know the stuff that I can't just bring up on a good day. Actually today was a good day, odd- but still a good day. More on the odd later...
I told him I hide how I really feel most of the time and I'm getting really good at it. I'd say I'm a pro {though it's very possible I'm fooling myself}. I say I'm fantastic but inside I feel broken. Super broken. Shattered. And I miss my first dream like nobody knows.
I told him I get angry at people's stupid comments and would rather just not talk about her than have someone brush off my pain with an insensitive comment like "Well at least she's in a better place."
Is this true? Yes.
Does it help? Not a bit these days.
It's the 'moving forward' and 'embracing life' that people want to see, especially after they've witnessed your first smile and had your first normal conversation after her death. Most days I am embracing life {still trying to figure out the whole 'moving on' thing}. But even on those days I'll be caught away in a moment of sublime guilt or intense sadness.
I missed out on a world. She was my world. She is my world. And when that spills out you realize who can handle your grief and who can't.
Somedays I can't grasp the reality of Heaven because all I can see is the world she left behind. There are moments when I just can't understand why some babies are born healthy and others have to fight for their every breath. I guess I've lost perspective. I'm lost in this gray area between healing and anger. Aren't I already supposed to be past the "worst" part of this grief? From reading many many {many} other BLM blogs, I realize the "worst" just pops up whenever it feels like it. Uninvited but here nonetheless.
30 comments:
It's true it can pop up whenever uninvited. I hide a lot of my feelings too.
I'm sorry Fran. I could have written your post... Several times actually. I can relate to it all. So sorry grief popped it's ugly head up again. <3
I read BLM blogs everyday and that is what I hear too. I am so sorry.
((HUGS))
I could relate to so much of what you said in this post, you put so eloquently what I'm quite sure most BLM's feel. Abiding with you in the gray ((hugs))
Perfectly said; I truly understand every word. The worst moments of grief seem to creep up, uninvited, even on the good days.
Love to you...
I can relate and so true , just out of the blue there it is.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
I hate when people on the "outside" make your pain about them and then say something awful like "It was meant to be."
I'm sorry grief has snuck up on you. That a$$hole just comes and goes as he pleases and doesn't care what is left behind after his tornado of misery is done spiraling through your life. Sending you my love.
That's all so true...sadly I begin sometimes to get the thought in my head that if *everyone else* thinks that I should be over it then what is WRONG with ME! Then I slap myself and realize *they* are the dumb ones and will NEVER get it... I can relate so much... so sorry! (((hugs)))
I am so sorry you hvae been struggling lately. Not that the struggle ever really goes away. The intensity increases at times & I know all too well how it can knock you off your feet. The act we all put on just gets so tiring after awhile.
yep, you've summed it up just perfect!
sending you ((((((((hugs))))))))
so very very true. ((hugs)) i'm in the midst of this myself. and i hate those kind of comments. i hate comments about how he's now an angel looking down on me. i want him HERE!!! i didn't need any angel looking down on me. i had my angel in my arms. i cared for him for 4.5 mo. i gave him all the love i could give here. it just doesn't make sense why our babies had to leave us. and i'm convinced this pain will never go away. we are all so very broken. xoxo ((hugs))
Boy o boy can I relate to this post. I am sorry you have having those gloomy moments that I wish wouldn't creap up on us. I wish we lived closer so I could give you a real ((HUG)).
So true, Franchesca. It does just pop up at will...uninvited. And there doesn't seem to be a time limit for that.
Francesca, words so truly written and like many above have said...I could have written this myself many times. I also am a wonderful master of disguise now. Hugs and thoughts to you my dear.
You speak such hard, hurtful truth here. There are days that no matter how much time is past, I still feel so broken and used up by grief...
It definitely catches up with you when you least expect it. I don't think it ever completely goes away *hugs*
There are many moments that I cannot understand as well. That gray area seems to be looming for me most days. I have a feeling that the worst will always have times where it just pops up as we continue to navigate through this life.
xo
Wow... I know so many have said this- but I could have written this myself.
Yes, grief rears its ugly head when least expected. I had such a good time at Meredith's party and didn't get depressed in Oct. this year. Then Nov. hits and I have uncontrollable crying spells some days. Then I remember, the holidays are coming. Plus, I was really disappointed when I found out some family members were appalled that I had a party for a dead baby. I'm glad I had it - may have one every year if I want. I may have two each year! We do whatever we need to keep ourselves sane. xoxoxo
what a beautiful and true post. i can relate. i hate the stupid things people say. i hate the feeling stuck. i hate the being forced to put on a happy face when i want to scream or cry that my daughter has died and that has broken me. i just don't think we ever move on. I think we find ways to find joy in our life, but that pure joy is gone forever. I agree, we have lost our perspective. Thinking of you always
xx
I'm so sorry. I can relate. I wish there was something magical I could say to make everything better for you and me and all the precious ladies in this world who have said good-bye to children too soon, but there isn't. I hope you have a beautiful day full of love and hope.
Warmly,
Christy
Oh Franchesca, so much of your post is unbelievably relatable!!
It is like I am reading one of my own posts!
Oddly, my last blog post was on Heaven...and how I hope it is. What i dream of.
I understand the frustration of those around you expecting more than life can be for those of us who are still missing our little ones every day. Yes, we are trying to realize our "new norm", and yes, we are blessed with a living child...yet...grief does not just disappear. I've realized through the death of my son Zac (Evan's twin brother) that my sorrow and joy will forever be intertwined as I watch Evan growing without his brother.
Many times I've been told "what a blessing...at least you have Evan here with you now"...and some how that was supposed to remove my pain from missing Zac so desperately?
I too have become a "master of disguise" with my emotions and pain, and the journey that I go through daily. Yes, I have a smile that is for the most part truly genuine...but there is sadness in my eyes. Yet, people don't want to see that. I can't say that I've found many people who can comfortably walk along side me in this journey...and that is a lonely, sad thing. Many friends have "disappeared"...and that has been just as painful, and I am grieving those losses too.
I've come to learn that people think they are helping with their version of encouragement...or on the flip side...pretend Zac never existed. Both hold pain.
We will always hurt.
My mom lost twin daughters before she had me...and that was 36 years ago...and to this day she still sheds tears and talks of how she misses them. I don't think grief ever truly leaves. We just figure out how to "deal" with it some how.
There will be bad days with the good. We will have tears with the joy. We are mommies of angels, both on earth and in heaven.
I just pray that when I walk through heavens gates I will see Zac's eyes once again and my three other babies gone far too soon...and that I will hear "mommy...you're home!!!!" and feel all their little arms around my legs!
Praying for you! And missing precious Jenna with you!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Heather (Prayer and Hope blog mommy)
I know what you mean. I had a moment sneak up on me this morning.
It seems we all can relate, Franchesca. I too have struggled a lot lately, and feel that most everyone in my life thinks I have moved on and wouldn't understand the deep sadness that still often overtakes me. There is an emptiness that just won't go away until heaven, which can sometimes seem like such a distant dream!
Hugs and blessings,
Jess
love u sister and am always here to listen
So beautifully written...I think we are all broken and we have wounds that will never heal. I hate it when people say, "everything happens for a reason" or "God works in mysterious ways". Ugh! I just want to scream and throw something at them. Someone who hasn't been here just doesn't get and never will. Sending love and hugs you way.
Fran, I couldn't have explained it better. I feel lost in that "moving on" thing too. When those days keep popping up I just want to scream! The guilt of moving forward without Josh is too much sometimes. We did family photos today for the first time since he passed, and I was just miserable. Love you and talk to you soon.
Hello my sweet friend.. I just received a blog award and I have passed it onto you.. stop by my blog when you have a second...Love you
hey girl, i wanted to tell you that i gave you a blog award. you can check out my last post to see it. pls know that you don't have to play along at all if you don't want. it was just my way of saying how much i appreciate you being with me in this time of sorrow, and being so inspirational to me.
so true... so very true... hugs.
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