Super broken

I was talking with my husband tonight about stuff. You know the stuff that I can't just bring up on a good day. Actually today was a good day, odd- but still a good day. More on the odd later...

I told him I hide how I really feel most of the time and I'm getting really good at it. I'd say I'm a pro {though it's very possible I'm fooling myself}. I say I'm fantastic but inside I feel broken. Super broken. Shattered. And I miss my first dream like nobody knows.

I told him I get angry at people's stupid comments and would rather just not talk about her than have someone brush off my pain with an insensitive comment like "Well at least she's in a better place." 

Is this true? Yes. 

Does it help? Not a bit these days.

It's the 'moving forward' and 'embracing life' that people want to see, especially after they've witnessed your first smile and had your first normal conversation after her death. Most days I am embracing life {still trying to figure out the whole 'moving on' thing}. But even on those days I'll be caught away in a moment of sublime guilt or intense sadness. 

I missed out on a world. She was my world. She is my world. And when that spills out you realize who can handle your grief and who can't. 

Somedays I can't grasp the reality of Heaven because all I can see is the world she left behind. There are moments when I just can't understand why some babies are born healthy and others have to fight for their every breath. I guess I've lost perspective. I'm lost in this gray area between healing and anger. Aren't I already supposed to be past the "worst" part of this grief? From reading many many {many} other BLM blogs, I realize the "worst" just pops up whenever it feels like it. Uninvited but here nonetheless.

babyland

We went to see her yesterday and like always they were setting up for more funerals. That's just sad. Only this time there were THREE. Boy.

I was meeting hubby up there so in the mean time I drove past baby land. Jenna is not buried in baby land. Sometimes I wish she was, but the baby land at her cemetery is awful. Seriously. It's got a tall fence between the plots and a small power plant. I don't know what the crap they were thinking when they planned to put baby land in that spot.

I got out and walked around baby land. There were several new plots. All of them with tons of balloons, flowers, toys. It just broke my heart and I thought about how each of these represented a world that had fallen to pieces.

Two of the first plots I saw in baby land yesterday had my birthday on them. One of the baby girls had been born, and another had died on that day. Different years. I thought about my life in 2005 and 2006. I had no idea that as I was celebrating my 20th and 21st birthdays someone was saying goodbye to their baby. And the other was welcoming their baby who would only live for less than a year.

I thought about how I've never wanted anything more in my life. I wanted that miracle. I believed I would get it too. I miss her with my whole heart and it hurts with a different ache this time of year.