I don't feel liberty to talk about it like I used to. And that's okay. But I have been suffocating with exhaustion. And suddenly I am so thankful for this blog.
A place of release.
I miss her like crazy. This week has just been hard for some reason. I am not a blubbering mess, more like a shaken bottle ready to burst. The reminders keep building, the what-ifs always a thought away.
I feel incomplete.
I have accepted that she isn't in this world. I don't look for her anymore. She isn't here. If you've never lost a child you probably think I'm crazy but I used to look for her. It seemed insane that the child I carried for 29 weeks just wasn't a part of my life anymore.
Something new happened this week. I suddenly don't miss the NICU. I am suddenly very happy to have that part of our life behind us. I would give anything to be with her, even if it meant the NICU, but I guess I have accepted that as part of our past too. Forever in the past.
:::
Not too long ago I saw a little girl about 18 months old. She was so excited to see our little boy. She had a doll hanging from her clumsy little hands and waddled over to Joseph just repeating "Baby! Baby!" Pointing to him, her parents sort of embarrassed. I loved it of course. She was the sweetest thing. I asked how old she was.
18 months.
I smiled and we laughed about how big our little guy was. Comical.
Then it hit me. I should have a little girl almost 18 months too. I should know what 18 month olds say. What 18 month olds do. What 18 month olds look like. Jenna would already be into dolls and dresses, excited about real babies. I walked away keenly unaware of the life that slipped right out of my hands a year and a half ago.
Sometimes forever seems like just yesterday. I miss my Jenna.
It hardly gets easier.
 |
| photo credit |
15 comments:
So beautiful written yet so very heartbreaking. I'm so sorry it's been rough lately. I think it comes in October a lot because that's when we remember all babies. It's amazing also how one day we are feeling crappy and don't know why until we realize its because it's the month of our edd, or a birthday or our babies should have been hitting milestones... Our mind may not always remind us but our soul does. Sending you many hugs my friend <3
So beautiful and I wish I could make it all better. I think of your Jenna a lot being that my little girl will be 18 months soon and so close to Jenna's age.
{{HUGS}} and prayers for you. Jenna has a wonderful mother and because of her you have helped so many people.
Caroline
I have no words, only that I'm thinking of you.
to my dearest friend,
I love you and am praying for you.
Love to the skies
to my dearest friend,
I love you and am praying for you.
Love to the skies
You are right, there is no rhyme or reason to the weeks we have where we miss them, look for them, ache for them.
I understand the fact that you don't feel the liberty to talk about her anymore. It seems commonly accepted that once you have the "next" healthy child, you mind should no longer be on your grief. You walk a delicate balance of thankfulness and joy, and saddness and grief that does not instantly melt away. It is such a confusing, exhausting reality to live in. I am so sorry. I wish I had the answer, accept to say i am walking with you...
The pain of missing her and the pain of always wondering what she would be like today must be an extremely heavy weight in your heart. I am so sorry. ((HUGS))
Thinking of you and remembering your beautiful Jenna.
I looked for my little girl for a long time too. Still do sometimes.
Even though you may not write like you used to this'll always be a sacred place you can talk about her. A place where she'll always be remembered. I wish that you had that little girl running around toting dolls.
I think that we are having the same week. Some friends came over this weekend with their little boys. One couple had a 18 month old and the other a one year old. I haven't been right since. But, my friend we are here for you. We understand you here.
Oh how my heart breaks for every mama who have lost a child. I would never think it gets easier, changes I'm sure, but your babies are always written on your heart. I hold brokenhearted love for you today. I will be thinking of your Jenna and praying for you as I light my candle tomorrow.
I get it, completely 100%...hard to express in words and you did it for alot of us. Love to you and your babies xxx
It almost feels like when just when it starts to get easier, a trigger comes along and you realize you are not any better off.
Franchesca, you write so beautifully from your heart. It does not sound crazy, you miss you little girl and she should be with you. I used to drive to my great grandparents place after they passed, like they should be there, the whole way wondering what we were going to talk about today, and when I would arrive, the pain would set in, they were not there, I also felt crazy, and as there is much different from what you are talking about, it is similar in the fact that when part of your heart is missing you long for it, yearn for it and love for it. You are a terrific Mommy to both of your children. Thinking about you.
((hugs)) Thinking of you and Jenna Belle. I too would spend everyday the rest of my life in the NICU if I could see Kasey...
Post a Comment