Reminded

You know things just happen. They come up. And suddenly a whirlwind of possibility sweeps over you and you realize what could have been. All over again. And then I get to asking myself - Haven't I already been here, like a thousand times!? The life that so quickly slipped clean out of your hands. Or maybe it's just me. I like to think I'm not alone.

It happened. I slipped and the whirlwind swept over me like a lead balloon. It makes me crazy how quickly she came and then left. And her visit, as I like to think of it, has made all the difference. It's then that I am reminded not only of what I lost, but to what I am called.

You hear so many things that are meant to comfort a bereaved parent, like "God needed an angel" or "God knows best" or even "she was too precious for this earth". But at the end of the day none of these things fill the gaping hole in your heart.

I do believe God knows best but I don't think he needed her to die. It just happened. Plain and simple. And of all people I got to carry her. She is part of my story and one of the biggest reasons my life is what it is today. I got reminded today of how much a one pound baby changed my world. I owe her everything.

Wordless Wednesday

Hardly

It doesn't get easier. My heart will always be filled with wonder.

I don't feel liberty to talk about it like I used to. And that's okay. But I have been suffocating with exhaustion. And suddenly I am so thankful for this blog.

A place of release.

I miss her like crazy. This week has just been hard for some reason. I am not a blubbering mess, more like a shaken bottle ready to burst. The reminders keep building, the what-ifs always a thought away.

I feel incomplete.

I have accepted that she isn't in this world. I don't look for her anymore. She isn't here. If you've never lost a child you probably think I'm crazy but I used to look for her. It seemed insane that the child I carried for 29 weeks just wasn't a part of my life anymore.

Something new happened this week. I suddenly don't miss the NICU. I am suddenly very happy to have that part of our life behind us. I would give anything to be with her, even if it meant the NICU, but I guess I have accepted that as part of our past too. Forever in the past.

:::

Not too long ago I saw a little girl about 18 months old. She was so excited to see our little boy. She had a doll hanging from her clumsy little hands and waddled over to Joseph just repeating "Baby! Baby!" Pointing to him, her parents sort of embarrassed. I loved it of course. She was the sweetest thing. I asked how old she was.

18 months.

I smiled and we laughed about how big our little guy was. Comical.

Then it hit me. I should have a little girl almost 18 months too. I should know what 18 month olds say. What 18 month olds do. What 18 month olds look like. Jenna would already be into dolls and dresses, excited about real babies. I walked away keenly unaware of the life that slipped right out of my hands a year and a half ago.

Sometimes forever seems like just yesterday. I miss my Jenna.

It hardly gets easier.

photo credit

The Walk

It was beyond beautiful and more than I ever expected. 

I was honored to share this day with my mother, beautiful friend Amy, and a few others who were able to be there.

We hung a beautiful ornament on a tree when they called Jenna's name. 

Isn't it beautiful? It is now dangling from our living room fan chain. Not sure if it'll stay there but I like looking at it.

My poor husband wanted to come even after having a wisdom tooth pulled a few hours prior. 

He is my hero.

 

Us getting ready for the balloon release...

So we totally write on her balloons at the cemetery. It was nice to be able to do this at the ceremony too when they started handing out sharpies. And we always like to draw our favorite cat on her balloons too. His name was Bootes (named after the constellation). He was a legend. 

I'll leave it at that. 

I don't have too many pictures of her, but this little girl standing next to me on the right is also another of my heroes... heroines actually. She is five years old and fighting Leukemia. She just passed her one year mark. Anyway, she never met our Jenna but I just love how she can talk with me about her. And her mother is pretty awesome too! (Love you Amy!)

 And well.. here is baby brother. I know this isn't his blog. And truth be told I'm a terrible blogger anyway. I haven't updated his blog in ages. Not sure which direction I will be going. I have way too many blogs. I hope you don't mind if I share a little of him here too from time to time.

It was just the cherry on top to be able to meet in person (for the first time might I add) a few beautiful bloggy friends. First... Mary from The Great Elephant Symposium. It was neat because I met her through Carly Marie's IBMD project. I would have otherwise never had the chance to meet another BLM in real life. It was beautiful. Sad but beautiful all the same.

And... Ashley from Missing Mackenzie :) 

It's neat meeting bloggy friends in person because it doesn't feel like your meeting for the first time. And I guess in a way you're not? :)

I look forward to attending the Walk next year :)

Fuchsia petals & bloggy award

This morning the cool October breeze could be felt. It feels like fall. At least in the mornings. It was marvelous. I only wish I had more time to blog, read blogs... but I didn't want to forget this so I wanted to share it here.

In Jenna's garden (mind you, there are weeds all over it) I spotted three fuchsia roses. :]

I don't think there's ever been a sweeter rose in her garden. She knew I needed this today. I pulled out her scrapbook to share at the Walk later today. Pictures still make me cry. Certain pictures.

Thank you Jenna for sending me this beautiful rose. It's perfect- just like you.

I also wanted to thank Wyatt's Mommy and Michelle for the Blog Award. I would like to pass this onto everyone that commented on my last post about Jenna's cloud heart :]

Rules are made to be broken, right?

;)

Tiffany
Jaime
butterflymom
Tina
Caroline
Jill
Dana
Heather
Michelle
Tami
Lisette
Jennifer
Wyatt's Mommy 
Debby
ButterflyChik
Heather

I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend.

XO