Driving home today after church I just had one of those moments. I was riding alone with my Bubby. I didn't want to stop driving, but keep driving. Get lost in the words of the music and forget...
Escape.
Face the wind. The sky was impeccable. One of those sunsets that reminds me that God probably lets Jenna watercolor up there.
I missed her real bad this weekend. Could it be the holidays? The pretty red, white and blue hair bows?
God knows the holidays just add salt to an open wound.
For the first time ever I realized I finally believed in the decisions we had to make for her. I had never been 100% sure of the decision we made that day. I knew we had to, but deep down I believed there was still a chance. I've never admitted that until now. We made decisions that day that no parent should ever have to dream about.
It crossed my mind, as so many things have this past week and it occurred to me that I finally realized she never would have made it. Has it really taken me a year to begin thinking rationally? What else have I been disillusioned about?
Today I just wanted to escape. Not from my family and friends, but from me. The person I've become. In short I'm tired of hurting. Just tired.
As you can probably tell I didn't just keep driving and I didn't escape anything. I came right home, parked my little black car and thought to myself, Starbucks would have made this so much better... I should have stopped there on the way home...
I see that gaping hole she left behind everyday. Somedays it hurts. Somedays I'm numb. But somedays it stings. S T I N G S.
Somedays I just want to break or hit something.
I began to think about my Christianity and how I shouldn't be self-consumed. I'm tired of crying about me. Because really, when I cry it is about me. It'd be silly to cry over Jenna, although I still sometimes do I know she is just fine today. Me on the other hand.. I'm a work in progress.
:::
On another note, please pray for Bennett. He was born a couple of days ago (July 3) at 26 weeks, weighing 1 pound, 4 ounces. You can read/ follow his story here.
7.05.2010
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15 comments:
So sorry for the pain you are feeling...your strength is amazing & shows through in your writing. I know that I too have been trying to focus on my faith, but at times the pain is so all consuming...I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.
My husband & I just lost our daughter very recently due to premature labor at 23wks into my pregnancy...although I'm terribly sad there are so many other mothers who know this pain so intimately it helps to know I am not alone. Sending love, hugs, & prayers.
I am very sorry that you had that kind of day. I just hope that as time goes by it gets better. We will always miss our little ones. But the pain I feel becomes something else. It our faith that will help us through.
(((hugs))))
I think holidays will always be hard, how could they not be? Your post really made me think - Do I realize that Jack would not have made it? I am not sure I do yet.
sigh...... those days are the hardest. that ache is so raw. (((hugs))) we do love starbucks don't we? :)
I often feel like I just want to escape, but we all know that is not reality. No matter where we go, our thoughts and feelings will be there. You said it perfectly, it stings. Thinking of you!! xo
PS I wish I had a Starbucks!!! I totally would have stopped there :)
I am sending you hugs and love.
Although days like that don't come very often, they sure make an impression on your heart, don't they? They color everything, and feel so much more real than other days. And they hurt so badly, so deeply, so strongly.
I am sorry, Fran. It is so exhausting to grieve. It is truly a labor.
HUGS!!
♥ and hugs to you, sweet momma. you are a beautiful work in progress. come to san francisco, so i can buy you a venti starbucks anything.
oh Fran, my heart is hurting for you sweet friend <3 I hope today gives you peace and comfort..
My heart is with you Franchesca!
I too have wondered if we made the right decision for Zac. For over a year I've had the doubts and "what if" thoughts, even though we knew medically there was no hope left for our precious son. But still...I understand the feeling of being faced with a decision no parent should ever have to make. How does one NOT question themselves after something like that...no matter what the doctors and reality tell us.
I'm still struggling with this myself.
And watching Evan grow up without his twin brother brings daily feelings of joy and sorrow.
I pray that Zac is doing watercolors with Jenna...beautiful colors meant just for our mommy hearts to see here on earth until we can be with our little angels again.
On a lighter note...Ahhhhh, there is nothing like a Starbucks!
Heather (heathershope - HP)
I can feel your aching heart through your words...and oh how I felt the same things over the years at times.
Love and prayers...
P.S. If I haven't told you before, your hope collages are just beautiful...what a perfect idea. I added a link to your site on my resource page, finally....
I am so sorry for the sorrow and pain you are feeling. I cannot imagine how much it stings. Your daughter Jenna was beautiful and I'm sure that someday you will get to hold her again.
Your previous post was beautiful as well. I bet that is hard not being able to tell people how she is doing. I imagine she is doing all of those things you mentioned.
Thank you for sharing
((Hugs))
Sometimes it takes time to get some sort of perspective on things. Perhaps they'll just always be days when you go back and forth on the decision you made. Who really knows...
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