Sometimes there are no words for the things my heart has to say.
Sometimes it's expressed in an idea or a sigh. Sometimes it's expressed in the way I can or cannot sing. Sometimes it's expressed in my lack of ability to slow down. Sometimes it's expressed in a silent prayer.
Sometimes it's expressed in my need to live life fully, feel every rose petal, soak in the heat, stare out the window and absorb every detail.. because you just never know.
Life, as I have learned is not something I own. It is a gift that I hope to wear out completely. I don't want to look back one day and wonder. I wonder all the time about Jenna and it's already too much.
Lately my heart just pains to hold her. And so often I feel guilty for needing a sign that she is really in Heaven. I don't doubt that she lives there, but sometimes it just seems so...far...away.
The longer I go without saying her name I feel like I am choking. I have a NEED to talk about her, although it's not always that easy.
Since the hospital declined the Hope Collages to be a part of their care packages for parents, I literally felt like she died all over again. It was silly I guess, but I feel like a piece of her is still there. It's where I met my baby girl. It's where we said goodbye. It was the last place I saw her. I have found other ways to reach bereaved parents at the hospital, which is encouraging.
I have found that little Joseph loves to stare at our pictures on our walls. Many in our living room are pictures of us and Jenna. I hope that he knows there's someone extra special in those. I'll bet he knows more than I realize.
When I read about babyloss mamas grieving over their babies who have been gone more than a year, it a relief because I don't feel rushed. I can feel parts of this wound that have been healed, but the soarness lingers. The pain is still there and the scar is embedded into who I will forever be. It's this new life I've been given to walk.
I've been reading Angie Smith's book "I Will Carry You". I think the biggest impact this book has had on me was her emphasis on prayer. She talks a lot about her prayer life before, during and after her loss. Ironically I believe this is what God has been dealing with me about. Trusting Him enough to take this broken heart every single day. Every single hour. Again and again and again.
Somedays I feel completely humbled that God would choose me to mother such a special little girl. After all, most people will never experience the love and hope we knew those 13 days. What a tremendous gift. And I'd like that to be my heart song for tonight. And hopefully this week. One day at a time.
She was such a gift.
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17 comments:
A lifetime in 13 days. Not ever what you planned yet more then others have been given. It's all so sad and overwhelming. Life is impossible to live without God and I am so happy you have Him with you. I don't know how babylost mothers move forward each day, how they manage to get out of bed. I am always in awe at the strength within women. You know that you are always in my thoughts and in my prayers. ((HUGS))
She certainly was a gift Franchesca. I am loving your new heartsong! *HUGS*
And she still is a gift.
She will always be a gift.
I felt like I read my own story here. I too ask for signs so I know he is in heaven. It does feel so far away doesn't it.
They are there though Franchesca, getting up to all sorts of fun.
Love you x
Sometimes I think that heaven is so sweet and welcoming that it overwhelms me. But like you, it seems so very far away. God however, is never far away and that is a comfort as we learn our new lives. Hugs!
Jenna is a special gift and look what all you have done and continue to do for others. Jenna seems so far away but I know she is looking down from heaven and smilin at her wonderful Mommy. Trusting is hard sometimes I know. Everytime I see a new blog you have done or anything I think of your precious Jenna.
{{HUGS}}
Caroline
What a beautiful blog entry. I feel that if I was as talented a writer as you, I could've written it, as it expresses many of the things I feel also. I'm so sorry that your hospital didn't take advantage of the Hope Collages, as they are AMAZING and such a joy for us.
As for time, I'm now three years and a few months out from my son's Death, and there are still many days, and certain seasons where I have to focus on the grieving a moment at a time. I also hate that people think we should be "over it".
Peace & Love your way :-) Tara
There is no timeline for loving someone, Fran. Love her, miss her, forever. Heaven is wonderful...for her. But for all of us it feels so far away, just because we don't get to be there with them. One day it will be beautiful for all of us.
I couldn't agree more with the trying to make the absolute most of every moment we're given because there are no guarantees. It's amazing how much losing a child changes your perspective on everything in life. I just finished Angie Smith's book, I thought it was incredible. I cried a lot reading it, but also found hope in her faith & her honesty about how difficult grief can be. I'm glad you're reading it as well. Sending love & prayer your way.
Hugs- She was a gift- and there is no need to rush grief- like everything it ebbs and flows- after seven years, my heart still longs to hold him in my arms. (And I like that...)
Thinking of you!
Laura
Yes, Jenna's life was and is such a gift, and you are doing such amazing things because of her. I know a year passing has certainly not erased the pain, the missing, or the longing to hold Jenna, and I imagine no length of time will change those things. The beauty is in how those feelings help her memory live on, and how you are living a purposeful life through all of it.
Hugs & Prayers!
Jenna's life though it was short will continue to have a beautiful affect on the lives of others. Your doing a beautiful thing in her name. I know that doesn't ease all of the pain. Missing our children is something that will always be there. We just have to hold on and believe we will see them again.
what a beautiful gift from God,thinking of you and sending love to the skies...
what a beautiful gift from God,thinking of you and sending love to the skies...
Beautiful post. Thinking of you. Kappy
Well said. Many hugs your way.
Hi Franchesca, I heard about you through Carly. Your blog is beautiful and your words are lovely. I wish my sister had the internet and could read your blog. She just lost one of her daughters in March. Thank you for sharing your life and and your daughter with us!
I am so sorry the hospital declined your offer to share your beautiful collages with their patients. That is discouraging, and it's not silly...it hurts. The hospitals where all three of my children were born do not offer our Dreams of You products...and it does sting a little. I won't lie. The very ministry born out of their sweet lives is not offered in the place where they spent their brief time on this earth. But, as you know, you are able to reach out to so many online. And the work you do is just beautiful...and such a blessing to many.
I understand your ache for your sweet girl...and please know that you are not alone. Every mother who has said goodbye to her baby so soon, has moments of ache and longing for the rest of her time on this earth. It may not be a consuming grief. For certainly God is able to heal and restore our broken hearts. But, the ache of missing still comes at times. And will until we meet again in heaven's glory.
One year does not take away a lifetime of missing.
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