it doesn't seem real. days like today it just doesn't. and i ask myself - is this really happening?
yes, Fran, it is still happening. forever. always. no matter what happens until God comes back. it's happening.
so i push the box back. i can't deal with all of it right now. maybe i will untie those memories another day. maybe. when i'm big and brave. when i'm ready. today i'm anything but ready. i'm afraid to feel. afraid of the sadness that is drowning. it feels good not to feel anything. am i coward? or am i surviving? does this pass?
when does the joy begin to overshadow the sadness? or is it a choice i have to make one day? is it my perspective that has been infected?
i want to paint paisleys with a genuine smile.
i want to feel the sunshine without a tinge of bitterness.
i want to hear last night's sermon and not wonder if i prayed the right prayer...
i want to lay down to sleep and not feel the sudden guilt that it's my fault.
i want her, my baby, my firstborn.
:::
i know i will get all those things. just not in my time. i cannot wait to have that heavenly perspective and to see things as He sees them. i can't wait for this loss and pain to be nothing more than a memory.
i cannot wait. we have a lively hope.
we really do.
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16 comments:
Praying that He will put your heart back together better than it was before. One day it will be.
Sending you some {{HUGS}}
Caroline
I want those things for all of us too. Thinking of you. xx
Was just thinking about this today, about how wonderful it will be when we do have that perspective. One thing that comforts me is knowing that our babies know all - their understanding is now complete. And that amazes me.
Thinking of you. I don't know the answers, but you are definitely not alone in this.
(((hugs)))
wow. Beautiful words...I feel like you wrote just how I feel. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry.
I wish I had the answer for you..... It will come one day. You will have joys with your future children. It will be different but you will feel joy. Having my other ones arounds helps a lot. I smile and laugh, but I always have Juanito in the back of my mind. Sending you big HUGS!!!
I wish you had those things too. (((HUGS)))
So sorry for such a hard day. Some days it just seems to drown you, doesn't it? Maybe the joy thing comes really gradually, so we can't see it, but one day we finally realize we have it.
Many days I wake up and realize that it is all real. There is that split second in the morning when my mind is at ease. When I first open my eyes. Then it all comes back. This is happening and this is my reality. I often wonder when joy begins to overshadow the sadness. I wonder if it ever does. I think someday it has to. I can only hope.
Sending you LOTS of LOVE!!
You put to words what is in our hearts - thank you so much, Franchesca. Hugs and love to you and your beautiful firstborn.
you read my mind when you posted this! seeing all the other comments helps me to feel normal though. thank you for putting it all out there for all of us babylost mamas to read. the last two months have been horrible...i've been so depressed and especially the last few days. life is so hard. grieving is so hard.
Just about two hours ago, I said the same thing...."How is this my life?"
I don't know...but, with you, am so hopeful and anticipating our Heavenly reunion.
Much love to you friend!
xoxo
It often feels completely unbelievable doesn't it? That all of this happened. That it is STILL happening.
It wasn't your fault. It isn't your fault. And of course you want your beautiful Jenna, your oldest daughter.
It's hard to take the long view, I certainly struggle to. I hope so much that all of the things you want so much will come to pass, that it will all just take time. xo
I want all of those things, too. I wonder all of those things, too. HUGS and lots of love. xxx
i want you to have all those things!!! i'm sure having your little boy will help heal your broken heart and make you smile again. sending hugs and prayers your way.
It is so hard sometimes, just to keep living through the sadness, feeling the weight of it, and knowing that nothing will ever change the reality that is our lives after loss--until heaven. Longing with you for that heavenly perspective, and that day when this time of separation from our little girls is nothing but a memory.
Still, I do believe God will continue to heal your heart and mine while we're on the this earth, and He will give us joy again, through our relationship with him, through our sons,and all the other plans and purposes He has for us while we're here.
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