If I had to describe this grief in one word today this is what it would be. Indestructible. I read somewhere recently that grief is as natural as having a third arm, and it is. Constantly reminding me that I have a child who is dead dead dead.
*HUGE SIGH*
According to Webster this is the definition of indestructible...
in·de·struc·ti·ble: incapable of being destroyed...
Yup. That's grief in my life right now. But let's look at why it might be a good thing that grief cannot be "destroyed"...
(this is me trying to find perspective again)
If I could destroy the grief in my life, it would probably also destroy all traces of my love for Jenna too. The grief and love are so tightly intertwined that they really are inseparable.
I think it amazing that you can love someone this much. The deeper the pain runs, the deeper the love. And a mother's love is everlasting. Something that cannot be mustered up into human language. No wonder it's counterpart in death is indestructible.
Grief is the trace of love in my heart for my daughter. It is the footprint of love. Some people are perplexed that a babylost mother can cry uncontrollably about losing a child decades later. Of course to a babylost mother, it is no surprise. We were supposed to have them our entire life - the loss never minimizes itself and the pain is as present as the love.
I had one of those random memories pop in my head this morning at the ungodly hour of 5:10 am. I was washing the lettuce for my husband's salad for his lunch later this afternoon. My train of thought has got to be one of the most random things on planet earth. I began to think of how we surprised the grandparents for Christmas with Jenna's arrival through "grandma" bracelets and "grandpa" souvenirs. I remembered my mother literally screaming, and jumping up and down with tears of joy running down her face. It stopped there. It hurt too much.
Random... and then God was faithful to remind me that grief is the gift of loving deeply. Maybe this ugly monster that is constantly stealing the joy I could find in Jenna's short life is really something to be embraced.
It just amazed me at how easily, after so many months the pain and love are all so fresh. Raw even, at times. Grief is truly indestructible.
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22 comments:
Perfectly said and so true! xx
i agree...grief is indestructable! everything is intertwined. i wish i could find a balance in my life though...a balance between the grief/love and the living.
wow, i've never thought of grief and love as so intertwined. how true. what a beautiful perspective God gave you. sometimes i feel silly for being sad about my dad's death because it happened 15 yrs ago (i was 9)... but now i won't.
The grief creeps in on me at the most random times too. Sometimes when I'm driving and a certain song pops on the radio and, all of a sudden, I'm bursting out in tears. The people in the cars around me must think I'm insane!
Kat @ In Dylan's Memory
I hear you my friend and I understand you completely! Without that pain the love would not be as strong. i'm thinking about you!
((HUGS))
PERFECT WORDS!!!!!! can you read my mind? my heart? you've worded it so much better than i can.
i have had the same thoughts about grief being the flip side of loving so deeply and that removing it would also negate what it represents- my babies that i LOVE! and miss.
xoxoxox beautifully said!
A perfect description of grief. I just love to read your posts!
A mother's love is like no other whether our children are in heaven or here on earth.
It doesn't matter because the love of a child is just that indestructible as in grief. It is a part of us that will never go away, I am learning to live with it as a normal part of me. It is sad however it has really made me a better person. ((HUGS))
Francesca,
I am following your blog ever since you followed mine and i have to say TODAY IT IS A GREAT ONE!!! it amazes me how your words are just what i needed to read today (feel free to use my post from last night to explain this) but "grief is the gift of loving deeply" is the best line i heard and if you dont mind id like to use this quote on my facebook for people who feel like moving forward would help me and all i keep saying is as forward as i get ill never stop crying for my daughter and ill never stop thinking of her...and hearing your feelings make me feel more normal than i already felt...thank you for this ((hugs)))
Oh just wanted to let you know that I have given you a shout out in my Marvelous monday post :) hope you like it...
"The grief and love are so tightly intertwined that they really are inseparable."
Today, on my daughter's six month birthday, these words speak truth so deeply to my heart...
Thank you.
So true. *hugs*
Oh dear one...so many, many hugs and much love to you....it's the most cruel thing, isn't it--the fact that the love seems tainted and bittersweet because of the thievery of grief.
This weekend, we had to tell our spouses some things we were thankful for in light of losing our child. It seemed weird, but I thanked John for crying so much. So strongly, uncontrollably, deeply, primally....I hated him going through it, but it was such tangible evidence of his love for Matthew.
Lifting you up friend!
I truly relate to all that you said...
I've often thought "how could the best thing that happened to me also be the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me" The worst relates to grief and a heavy heart and the BEST is in the eternal LOVE that I feel for a child I never got to know. It's bittersweet.
Many Prayers coming your way...
xo
"...grief is the gift of loving deeply."
This. Thank you for this perspective. I needed to be reminded.
So well spoken...
So perfectly, beautifully put. I am sending you and Jenna so much love.
So beautifully said and so very true. XO
So perfectly said. I could not have said this any better myself.
*hugs*
What a profound thought!! So perfect. I am so sorry for your loss. It hurts so badly. Thinking of you and sedning hugs. Hoping our babies are dancing in heaven together!!
you are so right, franchesca. if we didn't love our babies so much, we wouldn't grief so deeply for them. one night, as my husband and i were praying, he thanked God for the sadness that we felt, for the hurt that we felt. these things come from the immense love we have as parents for our children.
your random memory of surprising the grandparents - i can feel that hurt with you. we surprised louie's mom with a "grandmother" pendant for her birthday and a picture of Calvin's first ultrasound. for christmas we gave our parents little ornament picture frames with his next ultrasound.
grief is indestructible. you picked the right word for it.
((hugs))
Even thirteen years later...there are moments when I am back there...moments when grief washes over me. They are few and far between...but they come...
Very, very true... it is never over, the moments when the grief comes over me... are as bad as they were months ago. I do take comfort in them though, for some reason it makes me feel closer to her again... just knowing I will always love her, she will always be a part of me...
Thank you so much, your words always resonate so deeply =)
Lily
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