This is my journey through grief so far. I have not quite finished the first steps. My daughter went to be with the Lord a little over two months ago after 13 days here with us. The days following her death date, it was not real. I was in an intense shock from the weight of my loss. I kept wanting to go back to the hospital (where she lived in the NICU). Somehow the place I got to know her is the place that I attached with all the memories of her, naturally.
Mostly, I felt like a zombie. I look back now and think that was just grace being poured over my mind and spirit to keep me from completely losing it. I had many friends and family come to my side and offer tremendous support. When people started returning to the normal strut of life, it became real. Jenna was gone and not coming back. This was my grief journey. In spite of all the support, no one could carry this for me. I never doubted and still don't doubt that they care, but it just made the loss that much more real.
I also stayed (still staying) in the Psalms. I would read and read and read. The Psalms were never more precious. It wouldn't take much for me to be a mess, crying just remembering her. Thinking of all the what-ifs, could-have-beens, and on it goes. I was tempted to be mad at God, but I felt so guilty when that feeling arose. How could I possibly be mad at God, who gives and takes away? He does not owe me anything. At least I got to know her for 13 days. Even that thought did not take the hurt away though.
So the further I go in this journey, the less I want to talk about how I am doing. Truth be told, I feel completely guilty for being sad all the time, as if it is imposing on everyday life for others around me. But something tells me I needn't apologize for the way this grief is taking a toll on me. I am surviving. I am not thankful yet for the journey I hardly understand, but I am very aware that God's grace has been more present than ever. I am thankful for God's grace. Someone prayed that she would be born on 5-5-2009. And by one minute, she was. At 12:01 a.m. They also told me that five is the number of grace. I'd never heard that before, but that was pretty neat to me. She was our grace baby.
The Psalms have given me exceptional comfort. David lost a baby, too. He knew the pain and could still say God is good. He could still praise Him. That encourages me.
Psalms 90:5 " Thou carriest them away as with a flood; they are as a sleep: in the morning they are like grass which groweth up."
Morning is coming one day. I will get to see her grow up one day. And since time is irrelevant to God in Heaven, I have not missed one moment of her life. Not even a second. That rejoices my heart.
