Before I write this post that weighs so heavily on my heart, I feel like a disclaimer or some type of warning is necessary. First and foremost, if you find yourself offended at its contents, you must know I started this blog for only a couple of reasons...
1. To be honest with myself and God about this grief as a means to find some kind of healing
2. To let other babylost mamas know they are not alone in this grief of losing a child by sharing my Jenna Belle
So now for my heart.
There were seven to eight of us expecting babies back-to-back in my world IRL. And God looked down as we were all planning or not planning these families and knew one would be required in Heaven far sooner than his/her time. That's how I look at it anyway.
He picked Jenna. My Jenna. I can't even imagine wishing this pain on anyone else. That's not what this is about. But I have asked God probably a thousand times, why me? That question is so childish and its significance is fleeting but the reality is that I feel like I have been picked on. Like I have been reprimanded for wanting a family which I thought would come so easily.
Out of the seven or eight of us, a couple of women were expecting rainbow babies. That was especially sweet. A few gracefully accepted the awkwardness after Jenna died and let me know that they still cared within weeks. A few others which had never buried a baby, kept their distance for safety I am sure, and meant no harm. But it complicated my world. Their sudden distance made me feel like I was a plague and I wanted to scream IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE...
But I didn't. So I scream it here. IT CAN.
This grief is exhausting to say the least and it hardly suits a Christian I think at most times. Of course, my idea of the ideal Christian hardly battles anger, frustration, envy and strife, right? Well right or wrong that is what I am feeling. I have battled feelings that I wish I never knew. As a result, I have minimized my concerns to my heart with God, my husband and close family and a handful of true friends. I don't want to destroy any of these relationships because of my grief.
A lot of times I feel like anger toward God is sinful and tell myself to stop being angry. That hardly works. So I just started telling Him how angry I was. How much I hate that He took my Jenna and how it has complicated my world. I feel like when I started to do this, it was as if He was really listening. I can't even describe it. I really believe He heard that prayer. He wanted honesty, not a facade of "okayness". I have had a lot more peace accompany my sorrow since I told God how honestly angry I have become. I know He is working on me and helping me sort through these feelings of anger and the root of bitterness.
I am to the point where I need help so bad, I could care less what the world concludes about me. I am desperate. I need God's help and am very aware that I have been closer to Him than I am right now. I am very aware that I have probably contributed to the complicated relationships with other expectant mothers in my world. I am very aware that this grief has probably taken me to the lowest place yet - hell on earth. I am very aware that I am not the same person I was a year ago. Or even a few months ago. That girl had hope and a God that could only perform miracles. I am no longer than person. My God can heal but He doesn't always heal. This is my reality.
"Thou, which hast shown me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, and shalt bring me up again from the depths of the earth."
-Psalms 71:20
