Last Year

Dear Jenna Belle,

It seems like forever since I have written a letter to you. Even though the words in my heart may not always be outwardly expressed, inside I write to you daily. I cry daily, inside. And I have recently learned that NOTHING can ease the pain that was left for me to feel when you left this world. I passed by the medical center today and that urge to escape to your side in the NICU overcame me. A year later.

I don't think it ever stops.

A year ago I cautiously accepted "Happy Mother's Day" salutations as I braved going to church that morning. You were having a 'good day' that day. It was the only time I went to church while you were in the NICU. A year ago I had a precious baby girl who waited for me to return to her side where I belonged at Texas Children's Hospital. Something about that hospital warms my heart. Sadly it was where I said goodbye to you, but more importantly it was where I met you and got to know you. It was home for you for a very short while. And in a way, it is home for me too, to reflect and think back. Maybe one day I can volunteer there, in your memory.

But not anytime soon. The halls where we walked daily and the cafe where we would escape for short meals would bring back all those emotions that so tightly intertwined hope and fear. Faith and love. And the waiting room that was filled with so many friends and family everyday that you fought... yes, it would still be too much to face. But maybe one day.

I cried for you today, but I guess I should be thanking you.

Thank you for making me a mommy. I never knew that love could run so deep, be so pure, and last so long in my heart. I think a mother's love is the one of the closest thing to Heaven on earth.

You had a purpose, and maybe that purpose was to show me just how special a gift motherhood is. I often wonder if I would have taken motherhood for granted if it had come easy for me? That thought haunts me. Regardless, I am living this reality. And you are gone, but your memory lives on. I wish there was more of you to have here on earth. We miss you terribly, think of you often, and talk about you with everyone. You are as much a part of us today as you were a year ago.

Thank you for making me a mommy, Jenna Belle. I love you my firstborn. I miss you, and I cannot express in words, in measly typed print letters just how badly I miss you.

For me it will feel like an eternity until I get to see you again. But to you, you will not even have taken half a step, when you look back and see me following you. You won't have experienced this loss, the absence. And for that, I am thankful.

I love you, my Jenna Belle.