She drew me a heart in the sky on our way back home this evening.
I needed that.
Miss you baby girl.
9.21.2010
9.18.2010
With Love Care Packages
Tonight began the start of something new. I am very hopeful and feeling rather optimistic about this project. It's a lot. It really is, but I have wonderful support and I cannot wait to start putting these care packages together.
We are calling the care package program With Love. It is named With Love because these packages are made with love from other babylost mothers. Every last thing inside them is given/made or donated by a babylost mother and/or supporter.
For starters, we are kicking off with the Pregnancy/ Infant Loss Memorial Flourishes. All proceeds made from these will go toward buying the boxes themselves and offsetting the cost of the care packages down the road.
And let me just say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone that has already made such generous donations. Every last dollar helps.
In a few months With Love will hopefully be expanding it's efforts into local NICUs to help parents with babies in the NICU and also reaching out to the staff in the NICUs to show appreciation. For those of you who have had children in the NICU, I know that this place holds a special place in your heart. Even if it's just a card a couple times a year, or a fruit basket... I would love to get something going to just say thank you to Jenna's nurses and other special hearts like them.
Also, I thought I would add something from the last post about the care packages. First of all I decided to not replace the old memory box site, but just start a new blog altogether for this program. I realize there are a few who may just want to purchase a memory from their child's hope collage, so I will keep those available.
:::
Well a little about the flourishes... each flourish is fastened to a pink and teal satin ribbon (teal is just so much prettier than light blue in my opinion! ;) which has a broach pin on the back. You can also request multiple rosettes on one for multiple losses.
We are calling the care package program With Love. It is named With Love because these packages are made with love from other babylost mothers. Every last thing inside them is given/made or donated by a babylost mother and/or supporter.
For starters, we are kicking off with the Pregnancy/ Infant Loss Memorial Flourishes. All proceeds made from these will go toward buying the boxes themselves and offsetting the cost of the care packages down the road.
And let me just say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone that has already made such generous donations. Every last dollar helps.
In a few months With Love will hopefully be expanding it's efforts into local NICUs to help parents with babies in the NICU and also reaching out to the staff in the NICUs to show appreciation. For those of you who have had children in the NICU, I know that this place holds a special place in your heart. Even if it's just a card a couple times a year, or a fruit basket... I would love to get something going to just say thank you to Jenna's nurses and other special hearts like them.
Also, I thought I would add something from the last post about the care packages. First of all I decided to not replace the old memory box site, but just start a new blog altogether for this program. I realize there are a few who may just want to purchase a memory from their child's hope collage, so I will keep those available.
:::
Well a little about the flourishes... each flourish is fastened to a pink and teal satin ribbon (teal is just so much prettier than light blue in my opinion! ;) which has a broach pin on the back. You can also request multiple rosettes on one for multiple losses.
For more information on the flourishes, the care packages and anything else, please check out the With Love Care Packages site. I would also love and very much appreciate your feedback.
Without you none of this is possible. Your support and love means the world to me. I would also like to send out a special thank you to all the babylost mothers taking part in these care packages for your generosity and support - Carly, Tina, Michelle, Rachel, and Kristin.
If you would like to help, please spread the word about With Love through a blog post, sharing our site through facebook, email, whatever's easiest for you. You can also grab our button too. Just click on "ways to help" and the button's on that page.
You can find us on our very own facebook page here. Here you'll get all the updates of what's going on.
9.15.2010
I've been here before
Something tells me I've been here before.
With the changing of seasons and the hint of fall in the air the familiarity of this drift haunts me.
Yet again.
The heat is still pretty intense in south Texas but slowly letting up. I'm itching to pull out my boots and scarves and maybe even go shopping for some new winter apparel.
As I watch the season slowly drift to our cool weather friend, it haunts me as does every big change that I am nothing without faith. Without faith I am no closer to her today than I was the day she died.
But I am closer to her today. I know it.
It's just not always easy to see it that way when everything around me convinces me that time is taking me further and further away.
And as I do so often these days I can only wonder...
With the changing of seasons and the hint of fall in the air the familiarity of this drift haunts me.
Yet again.
The heat is still pretty intense in south Texas but slowly letting up. I'm itching to pull out my boots and scarves and maybe even go shopping for some new winter apparel.
As I watch the season slowly drift to our cool weather friend, it haunts me as does every big change that I am nothing without faith. Without faith I am no closer to her today than I was the day she died.
But I am closer to her today. I know it.
It's just not always easy to see it that way when everything around me convinces me that time is taking me further and further away.
And as I do so often these days I can only wonder...
9.14.2010
Care Packages for October 15
My heart just falls out of my chest when I hear the word NICU or hear about another micro-preemie. It's a tender spot in my heart, and it's something I welcome because it's something Jenna left behind for me to feel. I want so badly to reach families in the NICU enduring neonatal loss.
So... I am changing the way I do my memory boxes.
They are going more of a care package for newly bereaved parents. There are some special things going inside, which is in the works right now, but I can't figure out how to make them available to these newly bereaved parents without asking for your help.
For starters, I will be calling local hospitals even if Jenna's hospital won't accept them there are so many others that need to provide some type of care package to newly bereaved parents. Truth be told, Jenna's hospital supplied us with a beautiful care package anyway. It was a giant pink square box with pamphlets on grieving and support group contact info inside... I can't remember most of it, as it was mostly papers... but they also included a clay mold of her feet and hand in another purple box wrapped inside a receiving blanket (the other hand had the awful IV in it so only one had got to be molded) :(
Anyway... there's so much that needs to change when parents leave the hospital empty-handed. There were so many women that told me they left with little or nothing besides a broken heart. Many large hospitals have made strides in this area and supply these parents with beautiful mementoes and all sorts of unexpected things. I remember the nurse telling me I could take anything from Jenna's isolette I wanted. I remember we took a her name tag taped on the front of her isolette, probably a few other things and a diaper :) It was TINY. It was still huge on my little girl though, but I love that I got to keep something like that. We actually took several and gave one to my grandmother and the other to Pete's grandmother. They adore that small keepsake to this day. It's seriously one of the cutest little things you've ever seen.
So hopefully by October 15 in honor of all our babies, this new site (I hope hope hope) will go public, it will actually be replacing the current memory box site. There will be many types of care packages specific for things like:
*neonatal/infant loss
*fatal diagnosis
*miscarriage
I don't want to leave any type of loss out, so please let me know if something needs to be added. The care packages will range in sizes, and gifts inside to fit all budgets. The outside of the memory boxes will look similar to the Memory Box Collection- different quotes/ themes around the box.
Kristin Cook has graciously allowed me to use her resources page info to put inside the boxes for these newly bereaved parents. There are a few other special women around the babylost community working with me on this project too. Along with the small mementoes and gifts inside the box I will also be including a list of support places online and special ways to remember your baby.
I am seriously so excited about this. It's already tragic enough to leave the hospital without your baby... a feeling of drowning emptiness. I just remember feeling so useless and powerless. Like the battle had ended. The war was over. What was the point of going on? I know that no care package can replace or even come close to mending such an empty feeling but if I can ease the pain just a tad and show these families that there is support, and that there is a world of mothers just like them who get it, then I want to do it.
I hope you'll help me spread the word, and follow this new cause. I will probably be creating a page or something on Facebook to get the word out. Any idea that you might have are welcome too!
A side note: This blog has been my lifeline since Jenna died. And I can't say thank you enough to all of you who come and read, even if you don't comment. It means the world that you care enough to come and read about me, my daughter and our life after losing her.
So... I am changing the way I do my memory boxes.
They are going more of a care package for newly bereaved parents. There are some special things going inside, which is in the works right now, but I can't figure out how to make them available to these newly bereaved parents without asking for your help.
For starters, I will be calling local hospitals even if Jenna's hospital won't accept them there are so many others that need to provide some type of care package to newly bereaved parents. Truth be told, Jenna's hospital supplied us with a beautiful care package anyway. It was a giant pink square box with pamphlets on grieving and support group contact info inside... I can't remember most of it, as it was mostly papers... but they also included a clay mold of her feet and hand in another purple box wrapped inside a receiving blanket (the other hand had the awful IV in it so only one had got to be molded) :(
Anyway... there's so much that needs to change when parents leave the hospital empty-handed. There were so many women that told me they left with little or nothing besides a broken heart. Many large hospitals have made strides in this area and supply these parents with beautiful mementoes and all sorts of unexpected things. I remember the nurse telling me I could take anything from Jenna's isolette I wanted. I remember we took a her name tag taped on the front of her isolette, probably a few other things and a diaper :) It was TINY. It was still huge on my little girl though, but I love that I got to keep something like that. We actually took several and gave one to my grandmother and the other to Pete's grandmother. They adore that small keepsake to this day. It's seriously one of the cutest little things you've ever seen.
So hopefully by October 15 in honor of all our babies, this new site (I hope hope hope) will go public, it will actually be replacing the current memory box site. There will be many types of care packages specific for things like:
*neonatal/infant loss
*fatal diagnosis
*miscarriage
*stillbirth
*baby's first birthday anniversaryI don't want to leave any type of loss out, so please let me know if something needs to be added. The care packages will range in sizes, and gifts inside to fit all budgets. The outside of the memory boxes will look similar to the Memory Box Collection- different quotes/ themes around the box.
Kristin Cook has graciously allowed me to use her resources page info to put inside the boxes for these newly bereaved parents. There are a few other special women around the babylost community working with me on this project too. Along with the small mementoes and gifts inside the box I will also be including a list of support places online and special ways to remember your baby.
I am seriously so excited about this. It's already tragic enough to leave the hospital without your baby... a feeling of drowning emptiness. I just remember feeling so useless and powerless. Like the battle had ended. The war was over. What was the point of going on? I know that no care package can replace or even come close to mending such an empty feeling but if I can ease the pain just a tad and show these families that there is support, and that there is a world of mothers just like them who get it, then I want to do it.
I hope you'll help me spread the word, and follow this new cause. I will probably be creating a page or something on Facebook to get the word out. Any idea that you might have are welcome too!
A side note: This blog has been my lifeline since Jenna died. And I can't say thank you enough to all of you who come and read, even if you don't comment. It means the world that you care enough to come and read about me, my daughter and our life after losing her.
9.10.2010
Going Backwards
Or so it seems. There are just things that happen... things that come up... things that I remember. Some people call them triggers, but I have learned that they are life. A big part of life.
The other day after Bubby fell asleep I went through one of Jenna's fuchsia bins, the ones that hold some of her things. This one had a stack of cards we received from people along with some other mementos. And then I saw it.
The Jenna Journal. How could I forget? But I did. It had been such a long time since I had opened those bins and a really long time since I'd seen or read anything in the Jenna Journal.
I don't think I've ever shared the Jenna Journal with anyone on my blog before.
This journal was kept by Jenna's side in the NICU. We asked everyone who visited her and us there to sign it. My intention was to document a miracle and twenty years from now let her read the journal that loving family and friends had written in to her as a preemie baby.
Well I never imagined that the journal wouldn't be filled up but about twenty pages. And that in itself is a miracle. The NICU at Texas Children's Hospital said they'd never seen a NICU baby get so many visits like they saw with Jenna.
Good times. Hard times. I miss those times.
The other day after Bubby fell asleep I went through one of Jenna's fuchsia bins, the ones that hold some of her things. This one had a stack of cards we received from people along with some other mementos. And then I saw it.
The Jenna Journal. How could I forget? But I did. It had been such a long time since I had opened those bins and a really long time since I'd seen or read anything in the Jenna Journal.
I don't think I've ever shared the Jenna Journal with anyone on my blog before.
This journal was kept by Jenna's side in the NICU. We asked everyone who visited her and us there to sign it. My intention was to document a miracle and twenty years from now let her read the journal that loving family and friends had written in to her as a preemie baby.
Well I never imagined that the journal wouldn't be filled up but about twenty pages. And that in itself is a miracle. The NICU at Texas Children's Hospital said they'd never seen a NICU baby get so many visits like they saw with Jenna.
Good times. Hard times. I miss those times.
9.06.2010
it's okay
That I can't see you everyday and who you'd be today.
It's okay that we weren't meant to be together in this life.
It's okay that I miss you everyday.
It's okay that it hasn't gotten easier to learn that someone else is having a girl.
It's okay that I visit you in a cemetery.
It's okay that I don't write on your blog like I used to.
It's okay that your brother won't ever know you in person, but only through pictures and stories.
It's okay that your life was short.
It's okay that my heart breaks when I remember our time with you.
It's okay that I don't know if I could handle having another baby girl.
It's okay that I smile and mean it.
It's okay that I don't cry when I talk about you every time.
It's okay that sometimes I can't talk about you.
It's okay that some of the memories are still too painful.
It's okay that I get mad at God sometimes still.
It's okay that I ask why almost everyday, even if it's under my breath or in a sigh.
It's okay that you won't be here for this Christmas either.
It's okay that you're in Heaven.
It's okay that most people are 'over' it.
It's okay that I miss you alone most days.
It's okay that this is my life.
I just miss you, Jenna. More than I could ever ever put into words. 16 months and a day ago you made me a mommy.
It's okay that we weren't meant to be together in this life.
It's okay that I miss you everyday.
It's okay that it hasn't gotten easier to learn that someone else is having a girl.
It's okay that I visit you in a cemetery.
It's okay that I don't write on your blog like I used to.
It's okay that your brother won't ever know you in person, but only through pictures and stories.
It's okay that your life was short.
It's okay that my heart breaks when I remember our time with you.
It's okay that I don't know if I could handle having another baby girl.
It's okay that I smile and mean it.
It's okay that I don't cry when I talk about you every time.
It's okay that sometimes I can't talk about you.
It's okay that some of the memories are still too painful.
It's okay that I get mad at God sometimes still.
It's okay that I ask why almost everyday, even if it's under my breath or in a sigh.
It's okay that you won't be here for this Christmas either.
It's okay that you're in Heaven.
It's okay that most people are 'over' it.
It's okay that I miss you alone most days.
It's okay that this is my life.
I just miss you, Jenna. More than I could ever ever put into words. 16 months and a day ago you made me a mommy.
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