pretty please

To say that the past few days have been hard would be a huge understatement. These waves of guilt and complete sadness overwhelm me. No sooner do they start that they are gone and all I can feel is complete emptiness. It has a tremendous amount to do with Jenna's approaching birthday. It hurts.like.hell.

I haven't the slightest clue what life would be like had she lived. What sort of little girl she would have been? Independent? A daddy's girl? Chubby? Laughable?

And what would we be doing in preparation for her first birthday? I DON'T know. And it hurts that I didn't even give any thought to it. I hope and pray she knows how desperately she is missed, how deeply she is loved. In my heart of hearts I know she knows nothing short of perfect love, but sometimes her absence is deafening and the loss is endless.

I read Danielle's post the other day, and thought I would ask a similar request. Hubs and I plan to celebrate her birthday with each other, but it would still be nice to have something special to help celebrate the occasion. And this is where I am asking a tiny itty bitty favor ;]

If you think of it, would you write my Jenna Belle's name and send me a pic of it? Pretty please? It doesn't have to be anything fancy, it could be scribbled down somewhere, anywhere. I have created a slideshow of all the pictures I have received over the past (almost) 12 months of her name. Thank you to everyone who has been so generous to contribute to this slideshow already. It really is a testament to the love and support I have found here, and for that I am eternally grateful.

If you have a pic of her name you'd like to send me, my email is @ handprintsfromheaven (at) gmail (dot) com




Thank you! thank you! thank you!

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry Jenna. I couldn't go see you today. I felt like I really needed to too. Times like this I really just hate my body.

Feeling massive blues...

{photo credit}

giveaway from Beyond Words Designs

I wanted everyone to know that Small Bird Studio's {artist of the week} is Stephanie from Beyond Words Designs and Carried Through Grief. I asked her to be my feature artist and got to interview her, it was a whole lot of fun! I hope you get the chance to hop over to the studio and read more about her and her work. Many of you have probably seen her work, and I don't have to tell you that she is one talented gal! She does custom painted name collages and more.

She is also giving away $30 shop credit on ANY order!!! :)

You can get to the studio by clicking on the birdie!

indestructible

If I had to describe this grief in one word today this is what it would be. Indestructible. I read somewhere recently that grief is as natural as having a third arm, and it is. Constantly reminding me that I have a child who is dead dead dead.


*HUGE SIGH*


According to Webster this is the definition of indestructible...


in·de·struc·ti·ble: incapable of being destroyed...


Yup. That's grief in my life right now. But let's look at why it might be a good thing that grief cannot be "destroyed"...


(this is me trying to find perspective again)


If I could destroy the grief in my life, it would probably also destroy all traces of my love for Jenna too. The grief and love are so tightly intertwined that they really are inseparable.


I think it amazing that you can love someone this much. The deeper the pain runs, the deeper the love. And a mother's love is everlasting. Something that cannot be mustered up into human language. No wonder it's counterpart in death is indestructible.


Grief is the trace of love in my heart for my daughter. It is the footprint of love. Some people are perplexed that a babylost mother can cry uncontrollably about losing a child decades later. Of course to a babylost mother, it is no surprise. We were supposed to have them our entire life - the loss never minimizes itself and the pain is as present as the love. 


I had one of those random memories pop in my head this morning at the ungodly hour of 5:10 am. I was washing the lettuce for my husband's salad for his lunch later this afternoon. My train of thought has got to be one of the most random things on planet earth. I began to think of how we surprised the grandparents for Christmas with Jenna's arrival through "grandma" bracelets and "grandpa" souvenirs. I remembered my mother literally screaming, and jumping up and down with tears of joy running down her face. It stopped there. It hurt too much. 


Random... and then God was faithful to remind me that grief is the gift of loving deeply. Maybe this ugly monster that is constantly stealing the joy I could find in Jenna's short life is really something to be embraced. 


It just amazed me at how easily, after so many months the pain and love are all so fresh. Raw even, at times. Grief is truly indestructible. 

pinch me

it doesn't seem real. days like today it just doesn't. and i ask myself - is this really happening?

yes, Fran, it is still happening. forever. always. no matter what happens until God comes back. it's happening.

so i push the box back. i can't deal with all of it right now. maybe i will untie those memories another day. maybe. when i'm big and brave. when i'm ready. today i'm anything but ready. i'm afraid to feel. afraid of the sadness that is drowning. it feels good not to feel anything. am i coward? or am i surviving? does this pass?

when does the joy begin to overshadow the sadness? or is it a choice i have to make one day? is it my perspective that has been infected?

i want to paint paisleys with a genuine smile.

i want to feel the sunshine without a tinge of bitterness.

i want to hear last night's sermon and not wonder if i prayed the right prayer...

i want to lay down to sleep and not feel the sudden guilt that it's my fault.

i want her, my baby, my firstborn.

:::

i know i will get all those things. just not in my time. i cannot wait to have that heavenly perspective and to see things as He sees them. i can't wait for this loss and pain to be nothing more than a memory.

i cannot wait. we have a lively hope.

we really do.

jenna's alphabet

I have been wanting to do this for quite. some. time...

I finally pushed myself to get it done. If you'd like to visit Jenna's Alphabet studio just click on the link.

I finally got the entire alphabet :) I put the letters on gallery-wrapped stretched canvas so they come ready to hang. 

Jenna's First Easter

I woke up Easter morning and I knew after almost a year of holidays, that this one would be hard too. I knew that I was missing out on so much with her. I wanted to dress my baby girl up too. I wanted to buy her a huge stuffed bunny and lots of candy that her daddy would probably help finish. I wanted all that and more. We pulled into the church parking lot and I literally had to hold back the tears. I knew I would be bombarded with little girls dressed up in frilly dresses. I am tired of this world reminding me what I will never get with Jenna. I'm still there, just tired.

The one year mark is almost here, and I don't see it getting any easier. I take great comfort in doing things in her name. As long as I am literally doing something to make her memory live on, it helps my heart. I worked in her garden a little today, fertilizing it... we'll see how that goes ;)

I don't think there's a day lately that I don't ask God why. And He is so good, He just lets me. He is so patient, because I think He gets it. The longing, the broken heart, the desperation of wanting the nightmare to end. I am so glad He is not like me, I'd be sick of me by now. lol


For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
-Isaiah 55:9

:::

When I got on the computer yesterday and today, I received many delightful surprises that I never expected. It means so much that there are people who just get it. They get how much it means to see our baby's name. Everywhere, all day, all the time.

Thank you Danielle!

Thank you, Michelle!

{fuchsia!}

{so adorable}

And thank you, Lisette!

{fuchsia!}

I know these women must have spent so much time writing so many babies' names. Thank you ladies for making my heart skip a beat when I saw Jenna's name!!!

:::

And I also wanted to take time to thank Beth for writing my Jenna's name with alphabet blocks! How adorable is that!

She even got a pony in there! ;)

And Jaime engraved Jenna's name in ice!! How cool is that! 

I am so terrible, because I received the last two pics more than a few days ago. I just wanted to publicly thank each of these beautiful women for remembering my Jenna Belle. There are no words to describe how it makes me feel. No words, simply thank you! 

XO

More Progress on Layla Boxes

I got to work on the Layla boxes a little more today, and one more work day, they should be done! YAY!

I figure it is really no rush. From experience, I know it's nice to know people are thinking of you not only a week after after you lose your baby, but also many weeks later.

They're almost done! :)