Fuchsia Bins

There have been two occasions now that we have dug through Jenna's things... making room... in her room...

It shouldn't be this hard. But it is. Trying to convince myself that this isn't betrayal. After all she ISN'T coming back. Looking around at all those clothes I so stupidly bought. Stupidly. Naively. I knew something might be wrong and I prepared anyway for the little girl I'll never bring home. Stupidly.

And it hurt. I cried. The first night we were going through her things and sorting through tangible depression we didn't have many storage containers. In fact we had one. One big ugly gray one.

If we are going to store her things, we were going to do it right. A few days later before we continued through the excavation, I bought fuchsia storage bins. I knew it was a God thing. It had to be. I'd never seen anything like that at Wal-mart before, usually Target has the cute ones...

So now her things are neatly stored in fuchsia storage bins. I can fit almost everything that proves her existence in four fuchsia storage bins. And one big ugly gray one.

I hate grief.

Marvelous Monday

This is my first time joining in on Rachel's endeavor called "Marvelous Mondays". For me (and maybe most of us) this is such a contradiction because Mondays are anything but marvelous... BUT I think it is good practice to make myself take a good long look at my life from the outside in and find something that I can be thankful for...

Can you?

If you'd like to share, please hop over to Three Butterflies and a Monkey to read more about it.

Anyway... this Monday...

I am first and foremost thankful for my husband. He is helping me get our Jenna Garden in the works...

Right now our backyard is mostly sandy dirt (grass is slowly growing in) but we have a section all for Jenna's Garden.

I am BEYOND excited about it. Sorry, no pictures yet.

Right now I have moss rocks bordering what will be the flowerbeds, shaped like a huge pair of angel wings. In the middle is a white arch with a seating area and a slightly obnoxious wind chime.

I am READY for spring to be here, and to get out there and start on Jenna's Garden...

This Saturday we fill in the flowerbeds with top soil... the next step will be compost...

and who knows what else? Do I get to buy flowers finally??? I am NEW to the whole gardening scene, but desperately want it to work out.

Anyway, that is why I will be thankful tomorrow! I will think about how this weekend we will (hopefully) be getting her garden that much closer to being done :) :) :)

Still

Time is a friend. That's what I've been told.

But today all time has done is taken me further away from the day you were born.

And our 13 days together.

Today all around it feels like death has won.

I have to keep looking up. I have to believe that with each passing day the moment where we will meet only gets closer.

I went into Hobby Lobby today. I LOVE going into that store EXCEPT on days like today. I don't want to go to Hobby Lobby to get my dead daughter flowers anymore. I don't want to be that woman anymore. I feel weird even calling myself a woman, because inside I feel like a child. Lost and trying to figure things out, yet at the same time I have aged a hundred years. Inside.

I grabbed some flowers and was out in a flush. I am still that woman.

Jenna, I need distractions from what I am missing out on. I miss you so bad it is hard to even bring those three simple words into my mouth without choking up. So I write them.

We visited you today.

We didn't stay long. But we were there.

You're not there though. I know that, but somehow it just seems wrong not to visit you on marker days like this.

With what seems like only a few waking moments before your first birthday gets here, I am withering inside. Has it really been this long?

I miss you, baby girl. It seems I have become addicted to making my world busy to drown the grief. But at the end of the day my heart is still broken. Empty. Missing you.

At the end of the day, no matter what my days are filled with, my heart's longing only grows for Heaven and for what could have been.

Someday I will look back and be able to see some beauty in this grief, and there are tiny glimpses here and there.

Right now death has won.

And I am still that woman.

What I'm Not

strong Pronunciation: \ˈstrȯŋ\ Function: adjective 1 : having or marked by great physical power 2 : having moral or intellectual power 3 : having great resources (as of wealth or talent) 4 : of a specified number 5 a : striking or superior of its kind b : effective or efficient especially in a specified direction 6 : forceful, cogent 7 : not mild or weak : 

I've heard this word many times by well-meaning people about me, thinking somehow it accurately describes my ability to survive. But surviving is an instinct, hardly a trait to be admired and the inaccuracy is wildly misleading. 

For starters, no one asked me to volunteer to be here today. I did not courageously sacrifice the life we could have shared with my baby girl for anyone. I was as natural a mother as any other, I wanted to keep my baby.

It also triggers another thought when I hear that word. People use that word 'strong' implying an alternative to being what they perceive as 'strong'. What was the alternative? Giving up on life? Losing hope? Crying about things I used to take for granted? Wanting this nightmare to end daily? Well then I am weak everyday. What most people don't understand is that what they perceive as strength is simply a mask. A very convincing mask at best.

People think because they see someone successful in battle, that they must be winning the war. Or someone with a smile must have conquered the deepest, darkest foe of grief... finally... and surely they don't cry anymore.

But it's wrong. You see there were at least half a dozen more meanings of that word 'strong' and none of them identify with me except for one. The third meaning is 'having great resources'. But to me just because you have a strong friend, it doesn't make you strong. At least that's how I see it.

When Jenna died my Lord Jesus Christ had shoulders big enough to carry me and everyone that was heartbroken last May.  

He is strong. 

Naturally most regained their strength and began walking on their own fairly quickly. I never felt so alone. I wasn't ready to start walking again. The guilt. The pain. The memories. All so raw. 

I walked into her room last night and tears came as I looked at all the pink stuff. A flood of tears. I discovered last night I will never drop enough of them for her.

And when I take a glance back at how many months I have survived without her, and wondered how I didn't die when her heart stopped beating, I realize He is still carrying me. I haven't walked any of it by myself. 

I haven't DONE any of it at all. He has. 

I think He knows a big part of me died when she died. It's going to be a very long time until I can walk again.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. -Isaiah 41:10

I know many have heard this, but this song "I Will Carry You" by Selah came to my mind as this post was rumbling around in my head.

Today and Babyloss Project Giveaway

Today I missed her. And then I got around other little girls and realized something else I missed out on.

Red and pink dresses for Valentine's Day.

We took her baby pink gerberas today. Happy Valentine's Day by the way.

All I want to do is stay home today and forget that there is a world that wants me to move on. Some days it's just plain hard.

But I want to thank everyone who shared their ideas for Valentine's Day with me. I found something I think may work for us.

I am an artist and I love to create. Scrap. Glue. Paint. Invent. Collage. You name it. Messy, I love it.

I remembered this idea from student teaching a few years ago. Altered books. Anybody heard of them before? Just google images of 'altered books' and you will be surprised (if you like that sort of thing) what you can do with an old book. Simply fabulous to say the least.

Anyway... I have started an altered book for Jenna. For Valentine's Day each year my hubs and I (and hopefully one day future siblings) will write love letters to Jenna in it.

Here is the beginning of a lifetime project... (it's a grammar book.. I say it's the best use of a grammar book ever)

 

And inside so far (we haven't written in it yet)

 

************************

In light of Valentine's Day and simply my need to keep busy... 

I would like to offer free blog makeovers for anyone who is doing a project for babyloss parents. The only thing you'd have to buy is a digital scrapbooking kit (they run about $5), and you could donate if you'd like.

If  you have started a babyloss project and write names for parents or make memorials for them in any way, would you please email me at smallbirdstudio@gmail.com? There are so many out there, and I learn about new ones all the time. Just give me your blog url and we can get started on your makeover.

Just please note that this is for babyloss parents only.

Jenna's Name

More of her beautiful name :)

Thank you Megan!

Thank you Beth for sharing these sites to write your baby's name in :)

Her Voice

I want to be sensitive to other BLM who are reading this, so as a warning I will be mentioning my pregnancy in this post. This post is about both my children, and it was difficult to determine where to write this.

Last night I spent the better part of the evening redesigning my blog design website... I get bored easily these days with my layouts, as you may have noticed. I tossed and turned all night and new ideas kept popping into my head. Needless to say I didn't get the rest I needed.

I woke up with my husband around 5:05 this morning. Made him lunch for work. Kissed him goodbye. Went to our bathroom. Looked at myself in the mirror.

Today was the day my little one turned 24 weeks. I told myself silently that he could live outside the womb, if it came to that. I began to shake my head and even told myself "No!" outloud. Having a mental conversation with myself about this thing called viability.

I remember thinking to myself how much I hate myself for not being able to birth a healthy Jenna into this world.

I tried to sleep. Drank some cold water, felt his incessant flutters and kicks. Finally I was sleeping.

It wasn't until almost 9 in the morning that I would wake up and realize I dreamed about her.

Not her name. Not her death.

Her.

I understand now when other BLM say it is painful to dream about them. It's like losing them all over again when you wake up. Only in this dream...

Well I will try and explain how it went...

The thought about viability at that ungodly hour must have induced this heartwrenching dream. Not fair. Not one bit.

I dreamed I was in the NICU but with this baby. Jenna was there on her breathing machine too, only she looked and seemed just fine. She was tiny, but she was moving and opening her eyes and even TALKING.

Yes, TALKING!!!

But her voice would only be directed at her baby brother in this dream. I remember her telling him how to use the breathing machine. She was so playful about it too.

I remember thinking in my dream that it wasn't fair that she was here, because we would lose her all over again. I don't remember being at all concerned about baby brother's health, somehow maybe he would be alright?

And then my dream shifted and I was trying to get out of paying a $5,000 bill to a grief counselor. Bizarre, but I guess in my dream I did lose her again.

I cried when I realized what I dreamt.

But I loved that I dreamed about her. Her voice. It was her voice. So brave, so playful, so delicate.

Blessed

I think I have realized something... I can be an exceptionally slow learner, especially when it comes to things about myself.

I am at the mercy of this grief! I am not saying that in a bad way either. For example a few days ago, about a week or so, I couldn't get through a few hours without crying my eyes out over the simplest reminders and thoughts. It was so fresh, almost raw pain. It was bad.

A few days later I can breathe again. The sun is shining and I don't resent it. (Yes, there are days that I literally resent the sunshine that without bias can shine on the most awful days imaginable... i.e. the day Jenna died and her funeral).

Today I really am at peace. Is is circumstantial? Is it really this roller coaster that has brought me relief? Or is it the calm before the storm?

The part of grief that drives me the most crazy is that I don't control it. Sometimes triggers cross my path and they sting like a fresh wound. Other days triggers come and I can't feel anything.

I hate to think that by admitting this I am jinxing myself and inviting a bad case of the blues. I certainly hope not.

I enjoy days like this. I can't even say that guilt is eating me up either. That is particularly unusual. Usually on my 'good' days the guilt is what makes me stumble.

Today I am blessed. Blessed to have been chosen to mother such a special little girl. That little girl in bed 25 in the level 3 NICU at Texas Children's Hospital was my baby girl. She taught me so many things and like I have said a million times before she changed my world forever. I think about who I was before I met her, before I knew her. I don't want to be that person anymore. That person didn't know grief that only comes as
a result of loving deeply. That person didn't understand selfless love.

That person didn't know first hand that God could use the "weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty..." I saw him use Jenna to break into hearts and lives of doctors, nurses, family and friends everyday of her life and even now.

Today is one of those (super rare) days where I can think about what happened and I am not blown away at the reality that has surfaced in my life.

Happy Nine Months

Happy Nine Months in Heaven, Jenna. I can't really feel much today, but maybe that's okay. Some days I think this is mommy's way of surviving this world down here without you. Daddy and me went to your grave today during his lunch time and it was wet... but at least the water was going down. We've just had a bunch of rain lately. I think I'm ready for spring so I can start on your memory garden.

I can't even put a picture in my head today of what it must be like for you in Heaven. It is amazing to me how you have been gone this long but you are still my world. I hope somehow in Heaven you know that. Okay now I want to cry! I don't want to let myself because once the tears start it's hard to get them to stop. And all the while you are really really okay in Heaven. I want that to be on my mind today.

Last night I dreamed about your name. In my dream you were not there, but I was trying to order a birthstone ring with your birthstone in it. I was telling the person your name, your beautiful beautiful name. I love that I dreamed about your name, maybe soon I will get to dream about you.

I hope in Heaven you have a pony but when you get tired of playing with her, I hope God lets your ride around on a red tricycle. Make sure you give all your friends up there a ride too!

Mommy loves you, Jenna Belle.

Just Curious... {& Giveaway}

Valentine's Day is soon approaching and I hadn't given much thought to it until I read the latest challenge on Still Life 365 (brilliant, just brilliant website).

I know things would be so different if God had chosen to heal her. I remember Pete telling me before we were expecting Jenna, that he wanted to also buy roses for our daughter(s) if we ever had any on Valentine's Day. It melted my heart and I grew to love this man even more.

But there probably won't be any real roses for Jenna, and there probably wouldn't have been this Valentine's Day since she would only be nine months. But I want to do something special for her... tomorrow is her (would-be) nine month old birthday.

I don't want it to be all tears either. I can't tell you how tired I am of crying. Maybe that sounds bad, but I feel like I am just coming out of a horrible spell of the blues. I know whether I cry or laugh, smile or frown, forget some things or chart them all down... deep down inside my love for her LIVES.

So back to Valentine's Day...

How are some of you incorporating your baby(ies) into this holiday? If you don't mind sharing, I would love to hear your ideas. The challenge on Still Life really has me thinking (thanks Angie for the challenge!) and I want to do something special. I want it to be something that I can do with my husband and hopefully other children one day, in our home. I will probably decorate her graveside with some silk roses or red gerberas and Valentine's Day memorabilia but I have come to realize that she isn't there. 

{On AnOtHeR nOtE}

to occupy my mind until May 5 (her birthday) I have decided to host a blog makeover giveaway at Small Bird Studio every fifth of the month!!! You may already like your blog, but if you want to enter on someone else's behalf or if you just want a few things tweaked on yours, feel free to enter!!! ;)

So be sure to head over to Small Bird Studio and enter. It starts now and ends sometime Saturday (to give everyone a fair chance). I will announce the winner (using random.org) for this blog makeover sometime Saturday evening at the blog makeover site (Central Standard Time).

Jenna's Name

Emalee from i Am Me was so thoughtful and surprised me with a picture of Jenna's name written in the snow :)

I love that someone else was thinking of my baby girl.   

Also, Lisa from Waterfall Angels wrote Jenna's name on some rocks by a beautiful waterfall. I love all these lovely ways to remember my Jenna.

 

 

So thank you ladies! I know this goes without saying, but I never get tired of seeing my baby girl's name when it's something to remember her by.